I just sent this to Jeff to use with his soccer kids, but I think the article is good for anyone with kids. Sorry it's long but it's good for all of us.



A Nation of Wimps
By: Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today
Summary: Parents are going to ludicrous lengths to take the bumps out of life for
their children. However, parental hyperconcern has the net effect of making kids
more fragile; that may be why they're breaking down in record numbers.
Maybe it's the cyclist in the park, trim under his sleek metallic blue helmet, cruising
along the dirt path... at three miles an hour. On his tricycle.
Or perhaps it's today's playground, all-rubber-cushioned surface where kids used to
skin their knees. And... wait a minute... those aren't little kids playing. Their
mommies—and especially their daddies—are in there with them, coplaying or playby-
play coaching. Few take it half-easy on the perimeter benches, as parents used to
do, letting the kids figure things out for themselves.
Then there are the sanitizing gels, with which over a third of parents now send their
kids to school, according to a recent survey. Presumably, parents now worry that
school bathrooms are not good enough for their children.
Consider the teacher new to an upscale suburban town. Shuffling through the sheaf
of reports certifying the educational "accommodations" he was required to make for
many of his history students, he was struck by the exhaustive, well-written—and
obviously costly—one on behalf of a girl who was already proving among the most
competent of his ninth-graders. "She's somewhat neurotic," he confides, "but she is
bright, organized and conscientious—the type who'd get to school to turn in a paper
on time, even if she were dying of stomach flu." He finally found the disability he was
to make allowances for: difficulty with Gestalt thinking. The 13-year-old "couldn't see
the big picture." That cleverly devised defect (what 13-year-old can construct the big
picture?) would allow her to take all her tests untimed, especially the big one at the
end of the rainbow, the college-worthy SAT.
Behold the wholly sanitized childhood, without skinned knees or the occasional C in
history. "Kids need to feel badly sometimes," says child psychologist David Elkind,
professor at Tufts University. "We learn through experience and we learn through
bad experiences. Through failure we learn how to cope."
Messing up, however, even in the playground, is wildly out of style. Although error
and experimentation are the true mothers of success, parents are taking pains to
remove failure from the equation.
"Life is planned out for us," says Elise Kramer, a Cornell University junior. "But we
don't know what to want." As Elkind puts it, "Parents and schools are no longer
geared toward child development, they're geared to academic achievement."
No one doubts that there are significant economic forces pushing parents to invest so
heavily in their children's outcome from an early age. But taking all the discomfort,
disappointment and even the play out of development, especially while increasing
pressure for success, turns out to be misguided by just about 180 degrees. With few
challenges all their own, kids are unable to forge their creative adaptations to the
normal vicissitudes of life. That not only makes them risk-averse, it makes them
psychologically fragile, riddled with anxiety. In the process they're robbed of identity,
meaning and a sense of accomplishment, to say nothing of a shot at real happiness.
Forget, too, about perseverance, not simply a moral virtue but a necessary life skill.
These turn out to be the spreading psychic fault lines of 21st-century youth. Whether
we want to or not, we're on our way to creating a nation of wimps.
The Fragility Factor
College, it seems, is where the fragility factor is now making its greatest mark. It's
where intellectual and developmental tracks converge as the emotional training
wheels come off. By all accounts, psychological distress is rampant on college
campuses. It takes a variety of forms, including anxiety and depression—which are
increasingly regarded as two faces of the same coin—binge drinking and substance
abuse, self-mutilation and other forms of disconnection. The mental state of students
is now so precarious for so many that, says Steven Hyman, provost of Harvard
University and former director of the National Institute of Mental Health, "it is
interfering with the core mission of the university."
The severity of student mental health problems has been rising since 1988,
according to an annual survey of counseling center directors. Through 1996, the
most common problems raised by students were relationship issues. That is
developmentally appropriate, reports Sherry Benton, assistant director of counseling
at Kansas State University. But in 1996, anxiety overtook relationship concerns and
has remained the major problem. The University of Michigan Depression Center, the
nation's first, estimates that 15 percent of college students nationwide are suffering
from that disorder alone.
Relationship problems haven't gone away; their nature has dramatically shifted and
the severity escalated. Colleges report ever more cases of obsessive pursuit,
otherwise known as stalking, leading to violence, even death. Anorexia or bulimia in
florid or subclinical form now afflicts 40 percent of women at some time in their
college career. Eleven weeks into a semester, reports psychologist Russ Federman,
head of counseling at the University of Virginia, "all appointment slots are filled. But
the students don't stop coming."
Drinking, too, has changed. Once a means of social lubrication, it has acquired a
darker, more desperate nature. Campuses nationwide are reporting record increases
in binge drinking over the past decade, with students often stuporous in class, if they
get there at all. Psychologist Paul E. Joffe, chair of the suicide prevention team at the
University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, contends that at bottom binge-drinking is
a quest for authenticity and intensity of experience. It gives young people something
all their own to talk about, and sharing stories about the path to passing out is a
primary purpose. It's an inverted world in which drinking to oblivion is the way to
feel connected and alive.
"There is a ritual every university administrator has come to fear," reports John
Portmann, professor of religious studies at the University of Virginia. "Every fall,
parents drop off their well-groomed freshmen and within two or three days many
have consumed a dangerous amount of alcohol and placed themselves in harm's
way. These kids have been controlled for so long, they just go crazy."
Heavy drinking has also become the quickest and easiest way to gain acceptance,
says psychologist Bernardo J. Carducci, professor at Indiana University Southeast
and founder of its Shyness Research Institute. "Much of collegiate social activity is
centered on alcohol consumption because it's an anxiety reducer and demands no
social skills," he says. "Plus it provides an instant identity; it lets people know that
you are willing to belong."
Welcome to the Hothouse
Talk to a college president or administrator and you're almost certainly bound to
hear tales of the parents who call at 2 a.m. to protest Branden's C in economics
because it's going to damage his shot at grad school.
Shortly after psychologist Robert Epstein announced to his university students that
he expected them to work hard and would hold them to high standards, he heard
from a parent—on official judicial stationery—asking how he could dare mistreat the
young. Epstein, former editor in chief of Psychology Today, eventually filed a
complaint with the California commission on judicial misconduct, and the judge was
censured for abusing his office—but not before he created havoc in the psychology
department at the University of California San Diego.
Enter: grade inflation. When he took over as president of Harvard in July 2001,
Lawrence Summers publicly ridiculed the value of honors after discovering that 94
percent of the college's seniors were graduating with them. Safer to lower the bar
than raise the discomfort level. Grade inflation is the institutional response to
parental anxiety about school demands on children, contends social historian Peter
Stearns of George Mason University. As such, it is a pure index of emotional
overinvestment in a child's success. And it rests on a notion of juvenile frailty—the
assumption that children are easily bruised and need explicit uplift," Stearns argues
in his book, Anxious Parenting: A History of Modern Childrearing in America.
Parental protectionism may reach its most comic excesses in college, but it doesn't
begin there. Primary schools and high schools are arguably just as guilty of grade
inflation. But if you're searching for someone to blame, consider Dr. Seuss. "Parents
have told their kids from day one that there's no end to what they are capable of
doing," says Virginia's Portmann. "They read them the Dr. Seuss book Oh, the Places
You'll Go! and create bumper stickers telling the world their child is an honor
student. American parents today expect their children to be perfect—the smartest,
fastest, most charming people in the universe. And if they can't get the children to
prove it on their own, they'll turn to doctors to make their kids into the people that
parents want to believe their kids are."
What they're really doing, he stresses, is "showing kids how to work the system for
their own benefit."
And subjecting them to intense scrutiny. "I wish my parents had some hobby other
than me," one young patient told David Anderegg, a child psychologist in Lenox,
Massachusetts, and professor of psychology at Bennington College. Anderegg finds
that anxious parents are hyperattentive to their kids, reactive to every blip of their
child's day, eager to solve every problem for their child—and believe that's good
parenting. "If you have an infant and the baby has gas, burping the baby is being a
good parent. But when you have a 10-year-old who has metaphoric gas, you don't
have to burp him. You have to let him sit with it, try to figure out what to do about
it. He then learns to tolerate moderate amounts of difficulty, and it's not the end of
the world."
Arrivederci, Playtime
In the hothouse that child raising has become, play is all but dead. Over 40,000 U.S.
schools no longer have recess. And what play there is has been corrupted. The
organized sports many kids participate in are managed by adults; difficulties that
arise are not worked out by kids but adjudicated by adult referees.
"So many toys now are designed by and for adults," says Tufts' Elkind. When kids do
engage in their own kind of play, parents become alarmed. Anderegg points to kids
exercising time-honored curiosity by playing doctor. "It's normal for children to have
curiosity about other children's genitals," he says. "But when they do, most parents I
know are totally freaked out. They wonder what's wrong."
Kids are having a hard time even playing neighborhood pick-up games because
they've never done it, observes Barbara Carlson, president and cofounder of Putting
Families First. "They've been told by their coaches where on the field to stand, told
by their parents what color socks to wear, told by the referees who's won and what's
fair. Kids are losing leadership skills."
A lot has been written about the commercialization of children's play, but not the
side effects, says Elkind. "Children aren't getting any benefits out of play as they
once did." From the beginning play helps children learn how to control themselves,
how to interact with others. Contrary to the widely held belief that only intellectual
activities build a sharp brain, it's in play that cognitive agility really develops. Studies
of children and adults around the world demonstrate that social engagement actually
improves intellectual skills. It fosters decision-making, memory and thinking, speed
of mental processing. This shouldn't come as a surprise. After all, the human mind is
believed to have evolved to deal with social problems.
The Eternal Umbilicus
It's bad enough that today's children are raised in a psychological hothouse where
they are overmonitored and oversheltered. But that hothouse no longer has
geographical or temporal boundaries. For that you can thank the cell phone. Even in
college—or perhaps especially at college—students are typically in contact with their
parents several times a day, reporting every flicker of experience. One long-distance
call overheard on a recent cross-campus walk: "Hi, Mom. I just got an ice-cream
cone; can you believe they put sprinkles on the bottom as well as on top?"
"Kids are constantly talking to parents," laments Cornell student Kramer, which
makes them perpetually homesick. Of course, they're not telling the folks everything,
notes Portmann. "They're not calling their parents to say, 'I really went wild last
Friday at the frat house and now I might have chlamydia. Should I go to the student
health center?'"
The perpetual access to parents infantilizes the young, keeping them in a permanent
state of dependency. Whenever the slightest difficulty arises, "they're constantly
referring to their parents for guidance," reports Kramer. They're not learning how to
manage for themselves.
Think of the cell phone as the eternal umbilicus. One of the ways we grow up is by
internalizing an image of Mom and Dad and the values and advice they imparted
over the early years. Then, whenever we find ourselves faced with uncertainty or
difficulty, we call on that internalized image. We become, in a way, all the wise
adults we've had the privilege to know. "But cell phones keep kids from figuring out
what to do," says Anderegg. "They've never internalized any images; all they've
internalized is 'call Mom or Dad.'"
Some psychologists think we have yet to recognize the full impact of the cell phone
on child development, because its use is so new. Although there are far too many
variables to establish clear causes and effects, Indiana's Carducci believes that
reliance on cell phones undermines the young by destroying the ability to plan
ahead. "The first thing students do when they walk out the door of my classroom is
flip open the cell phone. Ninety-five percent of the conversations go like this: 'I just
got out of class; I'll see you in the library in five minutes.' Absent the phone, you'd
have to make arrangements ahead of time; you'd have to think ahead."
Herein lies another possible pathway to depression. The ability to plan resides in the
prefrontal cortex (PFC), the executive branch of the brain. The PFC is a critical part
of the self-regulation system, and it's deeply implicated in depression, a disorder
increasingly seen as caused or maintained by unregulated thought patterns—lack of
intellectual rigor, if you will. Cognitive therapy owes its very effectiveness to the
systematic application of critical thinking to emotional reactions. Further, it's in the
setting of goals and progress in working toward them, however mundane they are,
that positive feelings are generated. From such everyday activity, resistance to
depression is born.
What's more, cell phones—along with the instant availability of cash and almost any
consumer good your heart desires—promote fragility by weakening self-regulation.
"You get used to things happening right away," says Carducci. You not only want the
pizza now, you generalize that expectation to other domains, like friendship and
intimate relationships. You become frustrated and impatient easily. You become
unwilling to work out problems. And so relationships fail—perhaps the single most
powerful experience leading to depression.
From Scrutiny to Anxiety... and Beyond
The 1990s witnessed a landmark reversal in the traditional patterns of
psychopathology. While rates of depression rise with advancing age among people
over 40, they're now increasing fastest among children, striking more children at
younger and younger ages.
In his now-famous studies of how children's temperaments play out, Harvard
psychologist Jerome Kagan has shown unequivocally that what creates anxious
children is parents hovering and protecting them from stressful experiences. About
20 percent of babies are born with a high-strung temperament. They can be spotted
even in the womb; they have fast heartbeats. Their nervous systems are innately
programmed to be overexcitable in response to stimulation, constantly sending out
false alarms about what is dangerous.
As infants and children this group experiences stress in situations most kids find
unthreatening, and they may go through childhood and even adulthood fearful of
unfamiliar people and events, withdrawn and shy. At school age they become
cautious, quiet and introverted. Left to their own devices they grow up shrinking
from social encounters. They lack confidence around others. They're easily influenced
by others. They are sitting ducks for bullies. And they are on the path to depression.
While their innate reactivity seems to destine all these children for later anxiety
disorders, things didn't turn out that way. Between a touchy temperament in infancy
and persistence of anxiety stand two highly significant things: parents. Kagan found
to his surprise that the development of anxiety was scarcely inevitable despite
apparent genetic programming. At age 2, none of the overexcitable infants wound up
fearful if their parents backed off from hovering and allowed the children to find
some comfortable level of accommodation to the world on their own. Those parents
who overprotected their children—directly observed by conducting interviews in the
home—brought out the worst in them.
A small percentage of children seem almost invulnerable to anxiety from the start.
But the overwhelming majority of kids are somewhere in between. For them,
overparenting can program the nervous system to create lifelong vulnerability to
anxiety and depression.
There is in these studies a lesson for all parents. Those who allow their kids to find a
way to deal with life's day-to-day stresses by themselves are helping them develop
resilience and coping strategies. "Children need to be gently encouraged to take risks
and learn that nothing terrible happens," says Michael Liebowitz, clinical professor of
psychiatry at Columbia University and head of the Anxiety Disorders Clinic at New
York State Psychiatric Institute. "They need gradual exposure to find that the world
is not dangerous. Having overprotective parents is a risk factor for anxiety disorders
because children do not have opportunities to master their innate shyness and
become more comfortable in the world." They never learn to dampen the pathways
from perception to alarm reaction.
Hothouse parenting undermines children in other ways, too, says Anderegg. Being
examined all the time makes children extremely self-conscious. As a result they get
less communicative; scrutiny teaches them to bury their real feelings deeply. And
most of all, self-consciousness removes the safety to be experimental and playful. "If
every drawing is going to end up on your parents' refrigerator, you're not free to fool
around, to goof up or make mistakes," says Anderegg.
Parental hovering is why so many teenagers are so ironic, he notes. It's a kind of
detachment, "a way of hiding in plain sight. They just don't want to be exposed to
any more scrutiny."
Parents are always so concerned about children having high self-esteem, he adds.
"But when you cheat on their behalf to get them ahead of other children"—by
pursuing accommodations and recommendations—you just completely corrode their
sense of self. They feel 'I couldn't do this on my own.' It robs them of their own
sense of efficacy." A child comes to think, "if I need every advantage I can get, then
perhaps there is really something wrong with me." A slam-dunk for depression.
Virginia's Portmann feels the effects are even more pernicious; they weaken the
whole fabric of society. He sees young people becoming weaker right before his
eyes, more responsive to the herd, too eager to fit in—less assertive in the
classroom, unwilling to disagree with their peers, afraid to question authority, more
willing to conform to the expectations of those on the next rung of power above
them.
Endless Adolescence
The end result of cheating childhood is to extend it forever. Despite all the parental
pressure, and probably because of it, kids are pushing back—in their own way.
They're taking longer to grow up.
Adulthood no longer begins when adolescence ends, according to a recent report by
University of Pennsylvania sociologist Frank F. Furstenberg and colleagues. There is,
instead, a growing no-man's-land of postadolescence from 20 to 30, which they dub
"early adulthood." Those in it look like adults but "haven't become fully adult yet—
traditionally defined as finishing school, landing a job with benefits, marrying and
parenting—because they are not ready or perhaps not permitted to do so."
Using the classic benchmarks of adulthood, 65 percent of males had reached
adulthood by the age of 30 in 1960. By contrast, in 2000, only 31 percent had.
Among women, 77 percent met the benchmarks of adulthood by age 30 in 1960. By
2000, the number had fallen to 46 percent.
Boom Boom Boomerang
Take away play from the front end of development and it finds a way onto the back
end. A steady march of success through regimented childhood arranged and
monitored by parents creates young adults who need time to explore themselves.
"They often need a period in college or afterward to legitimately experiment—to be
children," says historian Stearns. "There's decent historical evidence to suggest that
societies that allow kids a few years of latitude and even moderate [rebellion] end up
with healthier kids than societies that pretend such impulses don't exist."
Marriage is one benchmark of adulthood, but its antecedents extend well into
childhood. "The precursor to marriage is dating, and the precursor to dating is
playing," says Carducci. The less time children spend in free play, the less socially
competent they'll be as adults. It's in play that we learn give and take, the
fundamental rhythm of all relationships. We learn how to read the feelings of others
and how to negotiate conflicts. Taking the play out of childhood, he says, is bound to
create a developmental lag, and he sees it clearly in the social patterns of today's
adolescents and young adults, who hang around in groups that are more typical of
childhood. Not to be forgotten: The backdrop of continued high levels of divorce
confuses kids already too fragile to take the huge risk of commitment.
Just Whose Shark Tank Is It Anyway?
The stressful world of cutthroat competition that parents see their kids facing may
not even exist. Or it exists, but more in their mind than in reality—not quite a fiction,
more like a distorting mirror. "Parents perceive the world as a terribly competitive
place," observes Anderegg. "And many of them project that onto their children when
they're the ones who live or work in a competitive environment. They then imagine
that their children must be swimming in a big shark tank, too."
"It's hard to know what the world is going to look like 10 years from now," says
Elkind. "How best do you prepare kids for that? Parents think that earlier is better.
That's a natural intuition, but it happens to be wrong."
What if parents have micromanaged their kids' lives because they've hitched their
measurement of success to a single event whose value to life and paycheck they
have frantically overestimated? No one denies the Ivy League offers excellent
learning experiences, but most educators know that some of the best programs exist
at schools that don't top the U.S. News and World Report list, and that with the right
attitude—a willingness to be engaged by new ideas—it's possible to get a meaningful
education almost anywhere. Further, argues historian Stearns, there are ample
openings for students at an array of colleges. "We have a competitive frenzy that
frankly involves parents more than it involves kids themselves," he observes, both as
a father of eight and teacher of many. "Kids are more ambivalent about the college
race than are parents."
Yet the very process of application to select colleges undermines both the goal of
education and the inherent strengths of young people. "It makes kids sneaky," says
Anderegg. Bending rules and calling in favors to give one's kid a competitive edge is
morally corrosive.
Like Stearns, he is alarmed that parents, pursuing disability diagnoses so that
children can take untimed SATs, actually encourage kids to think of themselves as
sickly and fragile. Colleges no longer know when SATs are untimed—but the kids
know. "The kids know when you're cheating on their behalf," says Anderegg, "and it
makes them feel terribly guilty. Sometimes they arrange to fail to right the scales.
And when you cheat on their behalf, you completely undermine their sense of selfesteem.
They feel they didn't earn it on their own."
In buying their children accommodations to assuage their own anxiety, parents are
actually locking their kids into fragility. Says the suburban teacher: "Exams are a
fact of life. They are anxiety-producing. The kids never learn how to cope with
anxiety."
Putting Worry in its Place
Children, however, are not the only ones who are harmed by hyperconcern. Vigilance
is enormously taxing—and it's taken all the fun out of parenting. "Parenting has in
some measurable ways become less enjoyable than it used to be," says Stearns. "I
find parents less willing to indulge their children's sense of time. So they either
force-feed them or do things for them."
Parents need to abandon the idea of perfection and give up some of the invasive
control they've maintained over their children. The goal of parenting, Portmann
reminds, is to raise an independent human being. Sooner or later, he says, most kids
will be forced to confront their own mediocrity. Parents may find it easier to give up
some control if they recognize they have exaggerated many of the dangers of
childhood—although they have steadfastly ignored others, namely the removal of
recess from schools and the ubiquity of video games that encourage aggression.
The childhood we've introduced to our children is very different from that in past
eras, Epstein stresses. Children no longer work at young ages. They stay in school
for longer periods of time and spend more time exclusively in the company of peers.
Children are far less integrated into adult society than they used to be at every step
of the way. We've introduced laws that give children many rights and protections—
although we have allowed media and marketers to have free access.
In changing the nature of childhood, Stearns argues, we've introduced a tendency to
assume that children can't handle difficult situations. "Middle-class parents especially
assume that if kids start getting into difficulty they need to rush in and do it for
them, rather than let them flounder a bit and learn from it. I don't mean we should
abandon them," he says, "but give them more credit for figuring things out." And
recognize that parents themselves have created many of the stresses and anxieties
children are suffering from, without giving them tools to manage them.
While the adults are at it, they need to remember that one of the goals of higher
education is to help young people develop the capacity to think for themselves.
Although we're well on our way to making kids more fragile, no one thinks that kids
and young adults are fundamentally more flawed than in previous generations.
Maybe many will "recover" from diagnoses too liberally slapped on to them. In his
own studies of 14 skills he has identified as essential for adulthood in American
culture, from love to leadership, Epstein has found that "although teens don't
necessarily behave in a competent way, they have the potential to be every bit as
competent and as incompetent as adults."
Parental anxiety has its place. But the way things now stand, it's not being applied
wisely. We're paying too much attention to too few kids—and in the end, the wrong
kids. As with the girl whose parents bought her the Gestalt-defect diagnosis,
resources are being expended for kids who don't need them.
There are kids who are worth worrying about—kids in poverty, stresses Anderegg.
"We focus so much on our own children," says Elkind, "It's time to begin caring
about all children."