“Still single, huh?”
By Michele Bender

WELL AT LEAST THIS CHICK HAS GOT MY BACK...LITTLE NON MORMONY, BUT HEY, IT WORKS...


If you’re still unhitched, you’ve probably got a few relatives (or a family tree full) who can’t stop poking into your love life—or lack thereof. There’s always a message from mom waiting for you after a date. Grandma Ann doesn’t waste a second before telling you how much she wishes you’d settle down. And Uncle Joe always asks, in front of a crowd, why you’re going solo to yet another family function. Their intentions are probably good—they just want you to find someone because they think pairing up is the only route to happiness. Of course, you know better, but here are a few comebacks (some serious, some silly) to stop them in their tracks.

Relative rant #1
“Am I ever going to get a grandchild?”
Quiet-them comeback
“Hmmm, better talk to my sister.”
—Matt Iseman, a comedian who appears on E! and Comedy Central

“You have a grandchild. You know Rover is yours to share.”
—Gilda Carle, Ph.D., relationship expert and author of Don’t Bet on the Prince! and How to Have the Man You Want by Betting on Yourself

Relative rant #2
“Such an attractive young person, but still no one special?”
Quiet-them comeback
“No one special, but a bunch of regulars!”
—Tammy Pescatelli, comedian from Last Comic Standing

“I figure it’d be selfish to limit myself to just one person.”
—Matt Iseman

Relative rant #3
“Well, your brother/sister didn’t get married till he/she was 37, so there’s still hope for you.”
Quiet-them comeback
“Well, you know how it is in our family, we always play ‘Can You Top This?’”
—Gilda Carle, Ph.D.

Relative rant #4
“I was married with two kids by your age.”
Quiet-them comeback
“Well according to the stats, everyone’s waiting a lot longer to get married. We want to make sure our marriages are fulfilling and really last.”
—Gilda Carle, Ph.D.

Relative rant #5
“I’m concerned that you’re still single. I just want to see you happy before I die.”
Quiet-them comeback
“Then, after my hot date last night, I guess this is goodbye.”
—Tammy Pescatelli

Relative rant #6
“Dear, is there something you want to tell me? Are you just not attracted to the opposite sex?”
Quiet-them comeback
“Oh, no. I am attracted to the opposite sex for sex, just not for marriage.”
—Tammy Pescatelli

Relative rant #7
“Why don’t you just settle down?”

Quiet-them comeback
“I don’t like to settle for anything.”
—Gilda Carle, Ph.D.

“And miss out on all the fun? I don’t think so.”
—Matt Iseman

Michele Bender, who also writes for Health, Redbook and Cosmopolitan, has a family tree full of nosy relatives.